Going it Alone

Denial is one of those strange things that unless you’ve been through it you don’t really believe it.  I remember hearing about women that didn’t realise they were pregnant until they were giving birth and thinking that’s weird, how could they not know!  But denial is a very real phenomonom.  I knew very well I was pregnant I had seen my babys heart beating at an 8 week scan to date the pregnancy.  Up until that stage I had thought maybe it’s just a phantom pregnancy.  Even after I knew I was pregnant I was still in denial.

I was very fortunate that I didn’t start to show until I was about 24 weeks pregnant so I could hide it from the world sort of. Being pregnant under pressured circumstances was very hard.  And I am the first to admit I wanted to make it go away.  I knew that I could not have a termination, I couldn’t live with that on my conscience, but I had to look into and contemplate it to make me feel like I had options even though I didn’t.  The fact was I had made a very bad mistake leaving my marriage for a manboy who couldn’t even take care of himself.  What the heck had I been thinking?!  Anyway (sigh) we learn from our mistakes.   Denial always has a reason and usually a short season.  There are so many women out there I’m picking that have experienced denial as a result of pregnancy.  The reasons why are endless but most times it involves being unplanned.  Remember though just because it is unplanned doesn’t mean it is unmeant-to-be. 

I heard some statistics the other day on the news.  There are 18,000 abortions performed in New Zealand every year!  The government is up in arms about child abuse and yet they allow 18,000 babies be pulled apart limb by limb every year.  There are 50 adoptions per year in New Zealand.  It really doesn’t matter how hard your situation, God will bless you through your hardship.  If you have become pregnant as a result of rape, try to remember that that little person is half of you too.  There are couples out there that would love your little one like their own given the chance.  That dear little baby you are carrying, it isn’t their fault! 

This pregnancy gave me a new outlook on life.  Before, I had my children within my marriage and everything was wonderful and exciting and people were excited for me and my family.  This time it was sort of a hushed taboo.  A few said congratulations but mostly people were outright shocked when I told them.  The experience gave me a much better understanding of women in difficult circumstances.  It was two sides of a coin really. 

I had to deal with shame, depression, explosive hormone surges, every emotion I seemed to experience ten fold.  None of it very positive. 

 Just before I started to show God spoke to me.  He said “this child is a child of mine do not be ashamed”.  I was no longer ashamed after that.  Although it didn’t take the hardness away – it gave me strength to go on.  Mary didn’t have an easy time of it either.

Now I see the whole experience as a learning curve.  I learned so very much during that time and I have taken the experiences and learned from them and moved on.  My baby is a treasured member of our family and his life is absolutely precious and meaningful. 

There is absolutely no point in dwelling on the past.  It is how it is.   Ask to be forgiven and you WILL be forgiven.

When you’re going it alone you have to look after yourself above all else.  If you are carrying a baby, that baby depends on you and nobody else.  You are that little persons’ sole provider, their everything at this point.  You know it.  So you must look after yourself.  There are many out there that will take from you everything they can, but don’t let them.  There may be people that think you owe them.  You don’t.  You absolutely need to be loved and nurtured no matter what the circumstances and if you are not cut the tie to the leech.  Take care of yourself and your children because this, you absolutely do owe them.

God bless the little children.

NOT RECOMMENDED BY ME! Did that hurt, you don’t want to read anymore. I don’t need that” you think.  The truth is you only want something to try and sooth your tormented soul.  You know it is not the right thing to do –  yet you do it anyway.  Listen to your soul.  Right now, you have no idea how much hurt there is or how hurt your kids will be.  The poor poor children – you think you can shield them from it but you can’t.  You just can’t.

Making the decision to leave home with the children is not to be taken lightly.  I felt that my marriage was over, my husband wouldn’t come anywhere with the kids and I.  The pub was always number 1.  It was top priority.  I felt like he wouln’t listen to me when it came to business finances.  I felt like there was nothing left to go on for.  Only now do I realise that the kids just want their mum and dad together because when they are with their father they worry about their mother and when they are with their mother they worry about their father.  That is not a good way for a young child to start out their life.  It is just so not fair for them.  I’m not talking about when lives are in danger and there is abuse occuring here.  Children definitely don’t need to live in fear.

Ohh boy.  It is hard.  It is a hard hard road.  I had left my marriage and my home – everything.  The affair didn’t work out -surprise surprise.  So I ended up by myself.  You may think that won’t happen to you but in most cases it does.  My guilt ruled my life.  I asked God “how am I ever going to be free from this guilt”.  Like anything I had to hit rock bottom.  He bought me out of it.  You see I am forgiven and it is written that you must forgive too – and that means yourself.  Of course there is a whole other side to it – you must also repent.  That means a 360 degree turn around.  So I did.

How could I betray my husband like that!  I really didn’t think too much about it at the time – I thought my marriage was over and that was that.   I betrayed him!  Totally and utterly!  This is the road to hell.  Don’t open that door.  I opened the door and it is still ajar. 

On the other hand I have a beautiful baby boy.  He is God’s precious child – ordained by God and I am blessed to have the privilege of bringing him up to be a man.  A man of God. 

The consequence of this is he has a whole other family.  Not always a good think I can tell you.  Some people can be quite controlling and manipulative.  When you are vulnerable you can be dragged further down and you won’t even realise it.  Be careful.  It is a very spiritual world out there and when you’ve opened that door you WILL see it. 

Somebody painted words on the footpath outside my house 5 meters long.  My children could have seen it.  It said “DEMONIC WHORE” and two other words which I won’t mention.  Thank God for amazing neighbours with waterblasters and thank God when Satan strikes, God strikes the cowardly asp down.

That’s what happened to me.  Is this normal? No – but it is definitely very spiritual, so you see what can happen when you open the door.  The best thing to do is not open it if you were to ask me.

IF you have your eyes open – your heart too, and I pray that you do, you will see what I am saying.  It is not a good thing to be on the road that gets hotter and hotter and darker and darker.

Maybe I am more susceptible to it than most but probably not. 

My husband accepts and loves my little man.  He treats him just like he treated my other kids to a point.  What a wonderful man he is.  I thank God every day for him because without him I don’t know how I would have coped.  And I betrayed him!  Isn’t that sad.  The one who supported me through a pregnancy that was not his.  Yes – thank God for him.

Something to think about huh.  Maybe – I know – it won’t happen to you.

Bless your family always

Well here goes.  I am doing this blog because there is definitely a need out there among New Zealand women who may find themselves pregnant and alone.  When I was going through my pregnancy (Feb to Oct 07) I had nobody I could talk to about my situation – which was literally HELL!  I should re-phrase that, I did have people I could talk to – I had my lovely, lovely friends but I needed someone to understand – I longed to talk to someone who understood how I felt.  I searched the internet and I could not find any resource or anyone that could help.

I had been married 14 years, just moved into our relocated house (my dream home).  We (my husband and I) worked very hard to get the inside, so that it was liveable,  repaid a massive debt which had been hanging over our heads for years.  Then along came a neighbour.  He was younger than me, single and seemed to love kids (I think it was this that attracted me to him).  Anyway we shared stuff, then personal stuff and one thing led to another.

I ended up leaving my husband for him.  It makes me feel sick to the stomach now.  I left my marriage on the 21st of one month and by the 12th of the following month I was pregnant. 

Low and behold the relationship did not work. He took off after a piddly argument and that was that.  I won’t go into it at this stage.  I was pregnant and alone and in total disgrace. DIS-GRACE. I thank God every day that he does have grace.  Oh I may have forgotten to mention that I was a good little Christian girl.  WAS – then I totally fell off. 

I hit total rock bottom.  It was as low as low could go for me. I know now that I am forgiven – but it still is sickening.  I hope one day that sick feeling will go away.

With four other children to look after I was always busy.  At times I was soooo tired and I really felt like I could not go on.  The thing is though – you have to!  No other thing for it – you just have to!  So I did.

I went through the usual stuff – the how am I going to cope with another baby.  I don’t want this baby.  If I didn’t have this baby maybe I could go back to my old life.  But just like the baby bird I went on…

“Are you my mother he said to the cow” “No, I am a cow” said the cow.   I went through every single emotion imangineable.  I was trying to sort through the loss of my marriage, being pregnant publicly, having to tell my husband I was pregnant, breaking up with the neighbour that was really a big relief, I didn’t need another big child!, going through legal stuff, moving house, my family not talking to me.  It was a terrible, terrible time.  It was, the darkest most awful time of my life.  It really was living hell.  I had opened up the gates of hell and I was living there, here on earth.

Oh man I was itchy, the stress was causing an itch that was unscratchable.  I would end up with big scratch marks up and down my body because of the unsatiable itch.  Evil forces were definitely attacking me.  Physically and spiritually.  I couldn’t watch anything on TV that was even remotely scarey.  It was too much.

It wasn’t lonliness that was getting to me.  It was the aloneness that was gutwrenching.  I didn’t have the father of my baby around (not that I wanted the baby’s father – just the father if you know what I mean)  to run things by or just to tell of all the little things that happen along the pregnancy way. 

Oh he did come back for the 20 week scan, but he would sooner get obliterated with his mates than be where he was supposed to be.  So he turned up on the morning of the scan, unshowered, stinking and hungover to ruin one of the most exciting pregnancy times for me. Loser! My advice, lose the loser.

My husband was always there for me, but I couldn’t really tell him all the little details now, could I?

Anyway does any of this sound familiar to you? Please don’t post any hate mail on this site, it is not for that. It is a place for women who are alone and pregnant  and maybe not in the best place to have a place to go.  I’ll be back soon.

God Bless you.  Always remember that no matter where you are, have been or what you’ve done, He is there and he loves you! Amen.

Welcome to my blog.   Maybe you are here because you feel alone or maybe you are here because you have found yourself pregnant and have no support.  Maybe you are making the decision to leave your marriage.  If you are here for any of these reasons I urge you to keep stopping by because I have a lot of information I can share with you regarding these subjects.  My hope is that you would consider very carefully your future before making the final decision and not end up like me making a stupid mistake that was set to ruin my life.  I couldn’t see it at the time but hindsight a wonderful thing!   I can now only look back and say I wish …

Probably if you are in a situation you don’t want to be told this will happen to you, but beleive me, I have discovered that through life there are many people who have been through the same stuff as I have, some just behind me and I would say this will happen, and they would think that won’t happen to me, I could hear them thinking that because I had been there too.  I had people who had gone before me and would try and tell me and I wouldn’t listen either.  That is human nature I guess.  But I’ll share anyway.  I hope and pray that you have the support of at least one friend.  There are some truely truely amazing people out there and they come in the form of friends.  And although they may not fully understand what you are going through, they are there to back you.

God go before you and keep you.  Amen.