Denial is one of those strange things that unless you’ve been through it you don’t really believe it. I remember hearing about women that didn’t realise they were pregnant until they were giving birth and thinking that’s weird, how could they not know! But denial is a very real phenomonom. I knew very well I was pregnant I had seen my babys heart beating at an 8 week scan to date the pregnancy. Up until that stage I had thought maybe it’s just a phantom pregnancy. Even after I knew I was pregnant I was still in denial.
I was very fortunate that I didn’t start to show until I was about 24 weeks pregnant so I could hide it from the world sort of. Being pregnant under pressured circumstances was very hard. And I am the first to admit I wanted to make it go away. I knew that I could not have a termination, I couldn’t live with that on my conscience, but I had to look into and contemplate it to make me feel like I had options even though I didn’t. The fact was I had made a very bad mistake leaving my marriage for a manboy who couldn’t even take care of himself. What the heck had I been thinking?! Anyway (sigh) we learn from our mistakes. Denial always has a reason and usually a short season. There are so many women out there I’m picking that have experienced denial as a result of pregnancy. The reasons why are endless but most times it involves being unplanned. Remember though just because it is unplanned doesn’t mean it is unmeant-to-be.
I heard some statistics the other day on the news. There are 18,000 abortions performed in New Zealand every year! The government is up in arms about child abuse and yet they allow 18,000 babies be pulled apart limb by limb every year. There are 50 adoptions per year in New Zealand. It really doesn’t matter how hard your situation, God will bless you through your hardship. If you have become pregnant as a result of rape, try to remember that that little person is half of you too. There are couples out there that would love your little one like their own given the chance. That dear little baby you are carrying, it isn’t their fault!
This pregnancy gave me a new outlook on life. Before, I had my children within my marriage and everything was wonderful and exciting and people were excited for me and my family. This time it was sort of a hushed taboo. A few said congratulations but mostly people were outright shocked when I told them. The experience gave me a much better understanding of women in difficult circumstances. It was two sides of a coin really.
I had to deal with shame, depression, explosive hormone surges, every emotion I seemed to experience ten fold. None of it very positive.
Just before I started to show God spoke to me. He said “this child is a child of mine do not be ashamed”. I was no longer ashamed after that. Although it didn’t take the hardness away – it gave me strength to go on. Mary didn’t have an easy time of it either.
Now I see the whole experience as a learning curve. I learned so very much during that time and I have taken the experiences and learned from them and moved on. My baby is a treasured member of our family and his life is absolutely precious and meaningful.
There is absolutely no point in dwelling on the past. It is how it is. Ask to be forgiven and you WILL be forgiven.
When you’re going it alone you have to look after yourself above all else. If you are carrying a baby, that baby depends on you and nobody else. You are that little persons’ sole provider, their everything at this point. You know it. So you must look after yourself. There are many out there that will take from you everything they can, but don’t let them. There may be people that think you owe them. You don’t. You absolutely need to be loved and nurtured no matter what the circumstances and if you are not cut the tie to the leech. Take care of yourself and your children because this, you absolutely do owe them.
God bless the little children.