Well here goes. I am doing this blog because there is definitely a need out there among New Zealand women who may find themselves pregnant and alone. When I was going through my pregnancy (Feb to Oct 07) I had nobody I could talk to about my situation – which was literally HELL! I should re-phrase that, I did have people I could talk to – I had my lovely, lovely friends but I needed someone to understand – I longed to talk to someone who understood how I felt. I searched the internet and I could not find any resource or anyone that could help.
I had been married 14 years, just moved into our relocated house (my dream home). We (my husband and I) worked very hard to get the inside, so that it was liveable, repaid a massive debt which had been hanging over our heads for years. Then along came a neighbour. He was younger than me, single and seemed to love kids (I think it was this that attracted me to him). Anyway we shared stuff, then personal stuff and one thing led to another.
I ended up leaving my husband for him. It makes me feel sick to the stomach now. I left my marriage on the 21st of one month and by the 12th of the following month I was pregnant.
Low and behold the relationship did not work. He took off after a piddly argument and that was that. I won’t go into it at this stage. I was pregnant and alone and in total disgrace. DIS-GRACE. I thank God every day that he does have grace. Oh I may have forgotten to mention that I was a good little Christian girl. WAS – then I totally fell off.
I hit total rock bottom. It was as low as low could go for me. I know now that I am forgiven – but it still is sickening. I hope one day that sick feeling will go away.
With four other children to look after I was always busy. At times I was soooo tired and I really felt like I could not go on. The thing is though – you have to! No other thing for it – you just have to! So I did.
I went through the usual stuff – the how am I going to cope with another baby. I don’t want this baby. If I didn’t have this baby maybe I could go back to my old life. But just like the baby bird I went on…
“Are you my mother he said to the cow” “No, I am a cow” said the cow. I went through every single emotion imangineable. I was trying to sort through the loss of my marriage, being pregnant publicly, having to tell my husband I was pregnant, breaking up with the neighbour that was really a big relief, I didn’t need another big child!, going through legal stuff, moving house, my family not talking to me. It was a terrible, terrible time. It was, the darkest most awful time of my life. It really was living hell. I had opened up the gates of hell and I was living there, here on earth.
Oh man I was itchy, the stress was causing an itch that was unscratchable. I would end up with big scratch marks up and down my body because of the unsatiable itch. Evil forces were definitely attacking me. Physically and spiritually. I couldn’t watch anything on TV that was even remotely scarey. It was too much.
It wasn’t lonliness that was getting to me. It was the aloneness that was gutwrenching. I didn’t have the father of my baby around (not that I wanted the baby’s father – just the father if you know what I mean) to run things by or just to tell of all the little things that happen along the pregnancy way.
Oh he did come back for the 20 week scan, but he would sooner get obliterated with his mates than be where he was supposed to be. So he turned up on the morning of the scan, unshowered, stinking and hungover to ruin one of the most exciting pregnancy times for me. Loser! My advice, lose the loser.
My husband was always there for me, but I couldn’t really tell him all the little details now, could I?
Anyway does any of this sound familiar to you? Please don’t post any hate mail on this site, it is not for that. It is a place for women who are alone and pregnant and maybe not in the best place to have a place to go. I’ll be back soon.
God Bless you. Always remember that no matter where you are, have been or what you’ve done, He is there and he loves you! Amen.